Boundaries
Somewhere along the way, disappointing yourself
became easier than disappointing other people.
How Boundaries Disappear
Boundaries can be surprisingly hard to recognise because they often feel like being a "good" person.​Staying a little longer, replying to the message, taking on one more thing, saying yes because someone else needs you.​ Over time, those little moments become so normal that we stop checking in with ourselves.
What You're Carrying
Not everything weighing you down was yours to carry.
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Sometimes it's the favour you said yes to when you wanted to say no. Someone else's feelings you've made your responsibility. The thing you agreed to because saying no felt more uncomfortable than just doing it yourself.
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One yes probably doesn't feel like much.​ Neither does the next one.​ But keep putting them in the backpack and eventually you start wondering why you're so bloody tired.
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A boundary isn't only about what you say no to. It's also about noticing what you keep agreeing to carry.
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
Healthy boundaries aren't walls that keep people out.
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They're the places where you get honest about what you can give, what you can't, what you're okay with and what you're not.
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A healthy boundary might sound like:
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“Nah, I’m staying home tonight.”
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“I don’t have the energy for that today.”
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“I’m actually not okay with that.”
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“You’ll have to ask someone else.”
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You can’t control what someone else does. You can decide what you’re okay with, what you’re not, and what you’ll do about it.
When life still needs doing
Sometimes there genuinely isn't anyone else to hand it to.​ The kids still need feeding. The bills still need paying. The washing still exists and somehow you're the only person who remembers there's no toilet paper left.
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Putting something down doesn't always mean someone else has to pick it up. Sometimes it means making the job smaller.
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Noodles will do. Mount Washing can live to see another day. You can buy the cake instead of bake it and leave the group chat on read. The lawns can look a bit feral and you absolutely can say no to the school thing.
And nobody needs an explanation longer than, “Nah, I can’t this time.”
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Some things genuinely need you. Not everything needs the best version of you.
"If I say no, I'll let people down."
Maybe.
But constantly letting yourself down isn't the answer either.
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"I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings."
Most people aren't trying to hurt anyone.
They're just being honest about what they can and can't give.
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"It's easier if I just do it."
Maybe today.
But if it keeps happening, it usually comes at your expense.
Common
Boundary
Myths
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A slightly uncomfortable look at what you actually do when you want to say no.
Notice what you tend to say, what you worry will happen, and what makes holding a boundary so bloody uncomfortable in the first place.
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Boundary Check - In
You can be a good person and still be someone who says no.
Continue Exploring Awareness of Self
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Intuition
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Turn down the noise around you and get better at hearing your own voice again.